Breastfeeding Battles

I decided long ago that I was gonna be a loving, responsive, natural mama. You know: a natural-birth-giving, Moby-wrap-wearing, breastfeeding mama. I had no idea how difficult it is to be “natural”. Let me tell, you: natural does not mean easy (look at my hair, lol). Breastfeeding Christian requires tons of patience and tough skin. When the lactation consultant first showed me how to breastfeed, it seemed easy. Probably because SHE physically latched him on. Boy was that misleading. 

First of all, when my milk finally “got in”, I became engorged. If you don’t know what that means, it means I went from having largish-but-still-normal breasts (44DD) to ridiculously-huge-bazoongas. I swear, I fell asleep Tiffany and woke up a few hours later like Pamela Anderson. Only I didn’t feel sexy. At all. They were red. They hurt, And they leaked like crazy.  Worse yet, they had swollen soooo much that my nipples were flat and Christian couldn’t latch on at all. We ended up having to supplement his diet with formula, which made me sad. So… I had to go back to the lactation consultant and use a super expensive pump to express the milk. That was so awkward. Having a woman looking at and feeling your breast. Pinching your now non-existent nipples. In front of your boyfriend. Awkwaaaaard. But it definitely helped. As did the various tricks that she has since taught me to help make breast feeding easier (such as nipple shields and syringes).

Trying to get him to latch on by myself was an entirely different story. CHRISTIAN IS IMPATIENT. I guess I should have figured that out while he was still hanging out in my belly. I remember when I was pregnant I would go from having absolutely no appetite to “If I do not have something en route to my belly NOW, I swear I will die” in a matter of nanoseconds. That’s EXACTLY how Christian is. I’ll present my breast to him and he will latch on briefly, but he’ll be so excited that he unlatches (I don’t know if that’s the right term, but it’s my blog and I’m gonna use it). This results in a freakout of epic proportions in which Christians claws at my boobehs (ha) with his razor sharp baby claws, trying to get it back in his mouth, while I try to simultaneously loosen his death grip from my skin and get him to latch on. The entire time I’m talking to him (with an occasional cry of pain from either his claws or his latching): “It’s right there Christian” Calm down, Christian” “Good job, Christian”. Thanks to practice, patience, and my lactation consultant (Ms Marsha), breastfeeding is much easier (though not easy). I have mastered several positions (including feeding while standing up) and don't get frustrated when Christian doesn't latch on right away (there was nothing worse for me as a brand new mom to not be able to provide natural nourishment for my child; it was heartbreaking to say the least). 

Now Christian seems to be going through a growth spurt because he eats SO MUCH. He will breastfeed for an hour and still put away a couple of ounces of formula after my nipples yell at me : “ENOUGH!” Anyways, breastfeeding has been a lot more challenging than I expected. They make it seem so much easier on the Discovery Channel. :| But, I love it. I love bonding with Christian in that way. I love the feeling of being able to provide for him something that no one else can. I will suffer through the 4am feeding sessions, the nail-gouging, and the perpetually sore nipples (you try having an overeager baby devouring your nipples for several hours a day), because I am providing Christian with something that will nourish him now and later. Yay me! 

P.S. I have also enjoyed the moments when Christian has attempted to breastfeed from Tyrell. The look of sheer panic on Tyrell's face is priceless. Lol!

Christian's Arrival

September 30th was marked by several huge events. First, Tyrell FINALLY transferred down here and arrived in the morning. It was great to finally have him with me again. Second, we officially moved into our very first apartment. Yayyy!!! He's lived "on his own" before, but this was a first for me. Before this I was either living in a dorm or working as a live-in nanny. This is my first time staying somewhere where I have to pay rent and buy groceries and all of that. I guess I am officially an adult now.

The third momentous event was that I went into labor. The contractions actually started right after Tyrell arrived (great timing, right?) and we were going around town buying things for the house. I started having pretty painful, semi regular contractions) . But I was still functional, so we kept going. We got most of our things moved in. We even got most of the big things put away (thanks, mama!). Very fortunately, my mom also stayed long enough to braid my hair (something that has been needed for a while). Thank god we got all of this done when we did, because not too long after my mom left I started having SUPER DUPER STRONG contractions (little did I know that this was only a taste of what was to come). Around 11pm, we measured my contractions and I was about 5 minutes apart for more than an hour. After making a call to my doctor I was told to make my way to labor and delivery to check.

After struggling to remain upright (that crap HURT), we made it to the hospital where they quickly confirmed that I was 4 centimeters dilated and was going to be admitted. It was really happening! And I can’t say that I was ready. Let me tell you…contractions are a BITCH. No amount of reading books/magazines, watching videos, or talking to other moms could have prepared me for the sheer torture that is childbirth. I decided long ago to give birth as naturally as possible. I rethought that decision several times in the 8 hours that I was in labor. This pain was indescribably horrible. And it came in waves. Waves of pain that pulled me under and kept me under for 2 minutes at a time with only a few minutes in between to semi-recover. A lot of the times I would lose consciousness just to be brought out of it by a new surge of pain.

I tried to recall my many hours of preparation for birth by practicing breathing techniques, but that was easier said then done. “Focus, Tiffany”. “I’M TRYING!” It’s really hard to focus on anything but the pain when you are in the midst of it. Several times I felt like I was successful, but then, just when I felt like the pain was about to be over, it would intensify and I would lose my focus and be sucked into The Abyss. Several times I remember calling out to my mom: “Help me”. I felt like giving up and like I wasn’t going to make it. I couldn’t even move because if I made the mistake of moving during a contraction, the pain was intensified. My mom and Tyrell (when he finally woke up; narrowly escaping some random object being thrown at him out of anger) did a lot to help me calm down and focus, but I definitely didn’t feel like the strong birther that I had hoped to be. I felt like a baby that just didn’t understand how I could be hurting so much and why no one was stopping it.

After several hours, I started feeling the strong urge to push. But apparently I was only 9.5 centimeters apart and still had a “tiny bit of cervix to lose”. I felt like screaming “JUST RIP IT OUT! (the tiny bit of cervix that was holding me back). Then, to make matters worse, my doctor got held up with another patient and so my pushing was put on hold even longer. But I couldn’t fight it. My body was pushing on its own.

Finally the time came when I was actually allowed to push. It was so hard. I was exhausted. But I wanted it to be over and to finally have Christian in my arms. So I pushed. I felt it when Christian’s head crowned. It burned. It hurt. Then the doctor had the gall to suggest that I wait until the next contraction to push one more time. !!!! HELL NO, DOC! I asked if I could push anyway (not that my body was giving me much choice) and when he said to go ahead, I gathered up as much strength as I could and I PUSHED. Next thing I know they are laying Christian on my abdomen. Despite his alien appearance (he was covered in white goo), I couldn’t help but to touch him. It was so surreal. I couldn’t believe that he had just come out of me. He was much bigger than I expected. And I remember feeling surprised that he was actually a baby (it was that surreal). I was truly in awe. I just stared at him until they took him away. Then I stared around the room seeking confirmation that this was real. “I just had a baby.”

When they brought him back to me all cleaned up, I was surprised to see how swollen he was, but he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My little gummy bear. Our little ninja. He was really here. I had done it. Loving him was instant. I had loved him in the womb, but seeing him made that love even more…there. Christian was born at 8:04 am on October 1^st, 2010. He weighed 7 lbs 15.8 oz and was 20 inches long.The process that it took to get Christian here was very painful, but the result was so worth it (even having to endure more than 10 injections of anesthesia into my vagina in order to be sewn up from a pretty nasty tear). I LOVE MY SON!

Since that day a lot has happened. I’ve been really busy and really tired. But I wanted to get this down while I had the energy. This was the day that changed my life forever.

The day my life REALLY changed :D

This past Thursday was marked by several huge events. First, Tyrell FINALLY transferred down here and arrived in the morning. It was great to finally have him with me again. Second, we officially moved into our very first apartment. Yayyy!!! He's lived "on his own" before, but this was a first for me. Before this I was either living in a dorm or working as a live-in nanny. This is my first time staying somewhere where I have to pay rent and buy groceries and all of that. I guess I am officially an adult now.

The third momentous event was that I went into labor. The contractions actually started after Tyrell arrived (great timing, right?) and we were going around town buying things for the house. I started having pretty painful contractions) . But I was still functional, so we kept going. We got most of our things moved in. We even got most of the big things put away (thanks, mama!). Very fortunately, my mom also stayed long enough to braid my hair (something that has been needed for a while). Thank god we got all of this done when we did, because not too long after my mom left

WHAT THE FRAGGLE ROCK?!

Soooooo... Tyrell and I are scheduled to move into our apartment (my first time living "on my own") on Thursday. Which means I should probably start packing my things in preparation. I'm all gung ho about this plan. "I'm going to pack up everything! Yay packing! Industrious powers...ACTIVATE!" Then I look around the room and what do I see? A MILLION THINGS TO PACK!!! Christian has just about as many clothes as I do, a pretty sizable library, a ton of toys, and a bunch of other big space-taker-uppers (swing, stroller, bouncer, exersaucer, etc.). Where the fraggle rock is all of this gonna go? Seriously. And that's just Christian's things. That doesn't include my 10 bags of clothes, hundreds of books that I absolutely refuse to part with, electronics, and random crap that I hold dear to some part of my heart. You know what I just realized? I'm a hoarder. I should be on tv so that people can shame me into cutting down on things. This is beyond ridiculous. I'm thinking I'm going to be posting a lot of things on Craigslist. Starting with my clothes.

I, Tiffany, do hereby vow to go through my clothes and get rid of everything that I do not wear, cannot wear, and do not plan on wearing in the foreseeable future. No longer will I hold on to things in the hopes of being able to one day fit into them again (with the exception of my prom gown).

No more time  to waste on this post. Must. Purge. Now.

My Psuedo False Labor Scare

So...this morning I noticed that I was spotting (tmi, right?). I know that at this point it's probably nothing to worry about, but I decided to call my doctor's office just to be sure. They told me to go to labor and delivery to get everything checked out. I get there and they hook me up to a machine so that they can monitor Christian's heartbeats and my contractions. The machine allows me to hear Christian's heartbeat while it's being measured. At one point, Christian's heartbeat just stopped. Lord! I nearly died. But I could still feel him moving so I was able to control my panic enough to call for the nurse. She told me that everything was fine. Woooh! That was the most frightening 10 seconds of my life. Anyways, it tuns out that I have started dilating, but only 2 centimeters. Also, contractions were 20 minutes apart so it doesn't seem likely that I will be going into labor in the very near future. But it's definitely on it's way. Maybe I should really pack my bags now. :| Oh well...off to soak in the tub. Spending an hour on that gurney whatsit did a number on my back.

Update: Only 16 days to go!!!

Soooooo.....the time is now 4:26 pm CT and I have been awake for about 45 minutes or so. Why? Because I spend most of my night running back and forth to the bathroom. And I am STILL exhausted. Gahhhh!!! Anyways, I'm really excited. There are only about 16 days left until Christian arrives. I had an appointment yesterday and the doctor is pretty sure (after checking my cervix) that we have until at least October before labor begins. Which is great, because I was REALLY worried about going into labor before Tyrell (the father) gets here. Which leads me to more good news: We put down the deposit for our apartment, and yesterday we pretty much finalized when we are going to move in (officially, it's Thursday of next week). That's the day that Tyrell is FINALLY going to arrive. It's been sooooo long since we've spent more than a few days together. 83 days to be exact, and I'm so glad that things are so close to being back to the way they should. *sigh*

I wish that time would speed up. How awesome would it be if you could control the speed of the day like on The Sims? Alas, we can't. So I shall commence passing my time with my new lovers: Max, Isabel, Michael, Liz, Maria, and Alex. Kinky Orgy? Nah. I have recently discovered (through the almighty power of Netflix) the annoying awesomeness that is Roswell. I'm now on Season 2 and things are getting juicy.

Anywayssss, guys...as usual my hunger just kicked in full force. It seems like my appetite goes from "nonexistent" to "I am completely and utterly famished" at the speed of light. Off to eat.

Getting to Know Me: 20 Facts

1. I really like monkeys. I once saw one monkey swinging in a tree and slapping another monkey in the face with his testicles. It was very funny.

2. I am scared of large expanses of water. I don't even like being in pools by myself or too far fromother people. It's so bad that if I am in the pool enjoying myself immensely and everyone gets out of the pool, I jump out too. Why? Because I've nearly drowned 3 times.

3. I am also afraid of owls. I mean, come on. They eat animals alive and spit out their skeletons. They also can twist their heads around 180 degrees. WTF?!?!

4. I am also afraid of trees. Especially at night. You never know what's hiding in there. Like maybe an owl. Or a scary man carrying a chainsaw that chases you and your friend halfway down the street like that one Halloween. Yeah, trees are scary.

5. E.T. (the "cute" extraterrestrial who befriended Ell-i-ot) freaks me out! Seriously, what's not scary about him. Let me enlighten you. He comes from another planet/galaxy/dimension and all of a sudden he's learning our language. Not normal. His heart shines through his chest. The life of things around him (including a kid he just met) are linked to his. He can make things levitate, including bodies and bicycles. He gets very ashy (ashiness is weird) and likes to dress in women's clothing. He hides in the closets of unsuspecting kids amidst beloved toys. He looks like a big, walking, talking turd. With blue eyes. Scary.

6. I've had quite a few "psychic" dreams.

7. I have also had quite a few experiences with things/creatures I don't understand.

8. I am 25 and afraid of the dark. Seriously. I sleep with the tv on (at a minimum) and if someone turns it off I feel it and jump up to turn it back on.

I know I'm not the only one. P.S. I loved this show.

9.I have a twin brother who is 2 years younger than me. Seriously, it's crazy how often we are on the exact same wavelength. (Get out of my head!)

Me and my brother, Aubrey

10. I love orange candy. Skittles Assorted Candy,StarBust Original 54 OZ, lollipops.

11. I also love orange soda. And grape juice.

12. I HATE CHERRIES. Cherry candy, cherry popsicles, cherry scents. Disgusting. But I like cherry pie. Weird.

No thanks

13. I also hate bananas but I love banana bread and banana pudding. The weird thing is, now that I'm pregnant, I CRAVE bananas. I still hate the texture and the taste, but I can't get enough of them. Even weirder, I have developed allergies to formerly loved fruit like apples, pears, and mangoes. (Come on kid, stop rearranging my fruit wiring).

Grossies!

14. I have a split in my skull from when my nanny chased me around the house and I fell and gashed my head on the side of a table.

BAD NANNY!

15. I broke my foot running from a drive-by that never happened.

16. I don't like to curse (though they do sometimes slip out); instead I say things like: Monkey NUTS! What the fraggle rock? Awwwww....frickin monkeys! What the butterscotch (an ode to a Disney series called "The Replacements")

17. I LOVE HARRY POTTER! Like, Really love it. I've been reading the series since 1999 and always go see the movies several times. How bad is my "obsession"? At one point a few years ago (before the last book was released), I was really sick and thought I was going to die (did I forget to mention that I am a hypochondriac?). My one thought was: "I hope I don't die before Harry Potter comes out". Lol! I can't wait until the next movie comes out.

18. I have a very vivid imagination and very weird dreams. I can even control them. Maybe I will post a few of my musings/dreams on here every once in a while.

19. Apparently I make a lot of random faces.

20. I have nothing more to say right now. So there you have it: I am Tiffany.

Officially 37 Weeks...Yayyy!!!

Sooo...today marks the beginning of my 37th week. It's hard to believe that I have 3 more weeks to go. Not only because it seems like not too long ago that I was found out; also because it feels like Christian is going to just burst out of my vagina (or my stomach, literally) at ANY minute. Lord. Anyways, today my mom and I went to the last day of Rhea Lana (a huge and awesomely awesome children consignment sale) to see what else we could score (last time we got a couple hundred dollars worth of toys, a swing, a bassinet,a pack-n-play, a diaper pail with refills, everything to decorate his nursery (and the bathroom), as well as some nursing supplies all for about $150. Today there wasn't much left, but we did manage to find a great Evenfo Farmyard ExerSaucer Mega, some shoes, and a Halloween and Christmas outfit and spent less than $40. How great is that?

I'm really proud of myself. Typically, I'm an anti-shopper. I hate going to malls. I hate trying on clothes (why is it that things always look ultra chic on the mannequin but horrible on you?). I hate walking around from store to store trying (to no avail) to find things. I just hate it. However, I've found that I really like shopping for baby things. Why? Because I have discovered the awesome power of being thrifty. Craigslist has officially become my best friend. For wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy less than it would have cost to buy wholesale, I have bought Christian EVERYTHING he needs. He has enough clothes to last him for about a year; plenty of things to keep him entertained and to help him develop physically and educationally; everything he needs for eating, sleeping, cleaning,and staying safe; everything we need to get out and go;and probably some things he doesn't really need. I have saved myself thousands of dollars. And it's all great quality things that have been maintained very well (no trash for my baby).

The best part is that I did it all from home (for the most part). I found everything I needed sitting in my room on the computer. A few phone calls/emails to confirm things and all I had to do was go pick the things up. I must also add that moms definitely stick together. People were constantly throwing in extra items for me. A girl could get used to this. Now if only I could shop for myself this way.

Today, unfortunately, we spent several hours in Babies R Us, taking advantage of the fact that everything left on my registry (which was essentially everything I ever put on the registry) was 10% off. We got everything else that we could possibly need for Christian (at least until he starts crawling around and we have to really babyproof the apartment). I hated every minute of it, but at least we got a lot of things. I feel prepared and that makes me happy. We also spent a few hours at my great-grandmothers house. 4 generations all under one roof. Much hilarity ensued. I should definitely do that more often.

Anyhoo, I'm really excited to have reached this milestone (the 37th week) as it marks the end of the "danger period" (as I call it). If Christian were to make an appearance now, he's pretty much in the clear. That makes me feel much better. Let's hope he stays in there until at least the 1st of October though. By that time his father will be here and we will be officially moved into our new apartment (my first "on my own" place). I CAN'T WAIT!

Reading: "A Confederacy of Dunces"  by John Kennedy Toole
Watching: "Tin Man (Two-Disc Collector's Edition)" on Netflix
Listening: Glee: The Music, Volume 1

The Day My Life Changed

February 8th, 2010 was the day my life changed forever. I had been feeling more than a bit off for the past week, and my cycle was a few days late. This had happened to me on more than one occasion. Each time it happened, I would buy a pregnancy test, pee on the little stick, and not too long after I got the results, my cycle would magically kick in. I thought it was just the way my mind and boy worked sometimes. I would be stressed about being pregnant, which would cause my cycle to be off, causing me to take the test and receive a negative result. Then my brain would send a message to my ovaries (Hey, dude, everything's cool. You can wake up now.) and everything would get back on track. So, honestly, when I took the test I was expecting another negative result. In fact, when I bought the pregnancy test, I also bought a box of tampons.

When I got back home on the 8th, I went straight into the bathroom and followed the instructions on the box. You know: unwrap stick, pee on stick, cover stick, wait for stick to indicate results (which could take up to a few minutes). I didn't even have time to put the top back on the test before a huge, bright blue plus sign popped up in the test window. Dazed and confused, I grabbed for the box. This was not the normal result I had come to expect. I had forgotten the box in my bedroom so I dashed to get it, fumbling around to figure out exactly what this plus sign meant. Perhaps this brand had a different key for decoding the results. Nope. += Pregnant. :|

I am sad to report that I cried -- and not with pure joy. This was completely unexpected. I was having issues with my fiance'. I had JUST turned 25 (not the 30 to 35 years that I had intended to be for my first pregnancy). I was only a few months into my master's program. This was NOT supposed to be happening! I HAD A PLAN! Don't get me wrong, I love kids (I would hope that's a prerequisite for a nanny), and I have long nursed a dream of being the perfect wife and mother. However, at this point in my life, I just was not ready. I'd never even held a newborn for more than 45 tense seconds. How in the world was I going to do this?

I told my fiance' and (not too long afterwards) my family about the expected addition. I was terrified, but sooner than I expected my feelings of intense fear transformed into feelings of wonder and excitement (mixed in with a healthy dose of anxiety and nervousness). I was going to be a mommy. :) I looked forward to watching my belly grow and feeling my child moving around inside me. I was eager to learn whether I was having a boy or girl (I had names picked out for both long before I found out the gender). I was excited to be taking a huge step towards building my family.

I immediately started doing all types of research on pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. I joined a ton of websites and registered for a ton of different services and magazines. I wanted to be prepared. I certainly can't say that my pregnancy has been stress and drama-free (but that would be an entirely different blog), but it has been exciting and the most important event of my life so far. Overshadowing the aches and pains, the relationship problems, and the many difficult decisions I have had to make are a ton of things: seeing my child for the first time (Doc, are you QUITE sure that's a baby?) and the many times since (what can I say, I'm pushy); hearing the heartbeat for the first time; finding out that my "little ninja" is actually a boy; being able to finally call my child by his name -- Christian; feeling him moving around; watching my belly growing month by month. These are memories that can't be tarnished. My pregnancy may not have been perfect, but it's been MY pregnancy and I will never forget it.

Now, with only a few more weeks to go, I am becoming more and more ready to welcome Christian into this world. We still have some preparations to make (his father FINALLY getting transferred from Baltimore to Arkansas; moving into our new apartment, and finally being able to set up his nursery), but I'm sooooo ready to see and hold him. I CAN'T WAIT!