The ups and downs of single mommydom

Life as a single mom...is hard. All of a sudden I am the only breadwinner. I am playing the role of two parents, and I admit that I don't do a perfect job. I get frustrated and annoyed. I let him cry it out because "mommy needs to do her work" or "mommy needs to cook and clean". The house is often messy. The laundry is piling up. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "WHY ME?!" And it doesn't make things any easier that, at the same time, I am still trying to finish my Master's. My life is a whirlwind and at times I feel like I just am not equipped to do this.

But then Christian smiles. Or gives me a kiss. Or I will come out of my room and see him sitting there waiting patiently for me to come back. Or he will start kicking and squealing in excitement when I walk in the door. Or he will put his hands on my face and give me a huge grin and babble like he is telling me "Smile, because I love you". And I feel bolstered with energy and hope. Energy to do what needs to be done, and hope that everything will work out better than I could ever imagine. And trust me, at times I just can't imagine how I will survive.

Like right now. I have very little money to my name. Not nearly enough to even begin to cover my expenses. I am facing losing my apartment (and we all know the damage that can do later on) and my car. I have several assignments due tomorrow. I have bills that are probably past due. .But I'll be damned if I'm going to let us go down without a fight.

Right now I am stressed beyond belief. But I am also blessed beyond belief. I have family and friends who love me. I have a God who...loves me isn't even the way to describe it. He just...is. I have strength and I have dedication. Being a single mom is the most challenging role that I have ever had to play. One that I had never imagined that I would be forced to take on. But if this is what God has in store for me right now, then I'm gonna be the best single mom that I can be. And I'm going to thank Him everyday for the opportunity. Because at least I have Christian. And that is worth everything to me.

:| Four months later

Lord! I just checked my blog and my last one was when Christian was FOUR MONTHS!!!!! DAYUMMMM!!!! He is nearly 9 months old now and I have written nothing. But that doesn't mean that nothing has been happening. I like to think that I have been too busy being a mom, student, and business owner to blog much. But that's no excuse. *Sigh* I had wanted so much for this to be a great, detailed chronicle of my life as a first-time mom. But, you know...I guess this fits. I have my plate overfilling with things. Not only am I chasing around a baby (who is crawling and "walking" all over the place), but I am doing it alone (unfortunately Christian's father has left us and has been away for over a month), working hard to try to pay the bills, and still working on my Master's. Life is tough. But my baby boy makes it all worth it. :D

It's amazing to think of how much he is changed over the past few months. He is eating solids like a champ. He is crawling like crazy and learning how to walk. He is starting to talk (already he has said "Hi",  "All done", and "I did it"). He laughs all the time and loves to play and explore. He has a great personality and is just an awesome little dude. I am LOVING being a mom.


Ok...so I'm not the perfect mom. I don't make all of his baby food myself. I don't breastfeed him all day. My house is not picture perfect. But I do what needs to be done. I am a single mom. I am a stay at home mom. I am a business owner. I am a student. I sing to him, play with him, read to him, feed him, teach him, cuddle him, dress him, bathe him, and love him better than anyone. I make his baby food as often as I can. I breastfeed him 3 times a day. I hold him when he cries, hold his hands while he walks, get on the ground with him to play, zoom him through the air like a plane, make noises and faces just to make him laugh. I am his teacher, his chef, his masseuse, his playmate, his best friend, his chauffeur, his personal musician and comedian. I am Super Mom. How about you?

I Can Do It Myself!

Yesterday Christian finally held his bottle for an entire feeding. He has been working towards this point for about a month and a half. He could hold the bottle, but if it fell he wouldn't even attempt to put it back in his mouth. Well, yesterday it was like something just clicked in his mind, and he just...did it. Now he is feeding himself like a pro. :D Next on the agenda: sitting without support. WOOHOO PROGRESS!!!!

Paci...GET! IN! MY! MOUTH!

I just had the best time watching Christian trying to put the pacifier in his mouth. I held it out for him and he grabbed it. He tried to put it in his mouth but got the side of it in there instead. So he held it back away from and was looking at it and tried again. Close but no cigar. Then it was like he had a brain flash -- he grabbed it with both hands to get better control and tried again, looking at it to make sure it was in the right position aaaaaand....Success! It was the funniest and cutest thing. He was so determined to figure it out and it was amazing to see him using his brain and spatial awareness skills to do so. I love my little Einstein. :D Now to get him to be able to keep the bottle in his mouth. He can hold it, but if it falls he can't really get it back in there all the time.

Christian has teeth!!!!

Omg! Christian has been drooling excessively since...shoot, since he was a month old. Everyone told us that it was because he was teething. I would check all the time, and it would feel hard, but it never seemed like there was anything coming up. And he never seemed really fussy (except when hungry or sleepy). SO imagine my surprise when my mom called and was like, "Hey, Tiffany, I forgot to tell you. Christian has teeth" Whaaaaaat? I put my finger in his mouth and pulled them out, squealing. OHMIGOSH, CHRISTIAAAAAN!!!! YOU HAVE TEETH!

I don't know how I didn't notice. Maybe because I was so used to nothing being there whenever I did check. But there they  are -- two teeth poking through the gums at the bottom. You can't see them yet, because they are just breaking through, but they are DEFINITELY there. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! TEETH! :D My babies gonna be eating steak pretty soon. Lol! I'm excited, surprised, and wary all at the same time. I'm super excited because it's such a huge milestone. I'm surprised because he's only 4 months (though I know that it happens early for some babies). I'm wary because I don't know what this is going to mean for nursing. But I am going to stick it out for as long as I possibly can. I'm really hoping to make it to the on year mark. Wish me luck! :)

Bathtime!

This morning I did something I swore I would never be able to do -- take a bath with Christian. All by myself. I remember when Christian was first born and I had a discussion about this. I swore that I would NEVER do this because it was wayyyy too scary. What if I dropped hi? What if he slipped under the water? Well, 4.5 months down the line, I am more secure in my parenting skills. Never once did I feel as though Christian was less than perfectly secure, even when I was letting him float on his back (while I was holding him of course). He LOVED it and it was actually less unnerving than giving him a bath in his baby tub (it's much higher up than our tub so it still makes me nervous). I had fun and so did he. I don't know how often I would do that. Today was sort of an emergency situation (I was trying to take a bath and he started crying) but I'm no longer scared stiff to do it. Yayyyy progress!!! :D

Bedtime!

Christian slept in his all night. For the first time. Ever. Yayyyyy!!! I finally feel like it is the right time, although I will still steal him away to snuggle up with me some nights. I love waking up to my little man's smiles and laughter. :D